Left behind…by choice

There has been so much talk lately in the blogosphere regarding people thinking about having their second child. When I saw the first instance of it, I said to Nutella, “Isn’t it going to be weird when more people who have had a baby around the same time as us start trying for their second?” and then BOOM! 5 or 6 other bloggers started talking about it. And it IS a little weird because we’re done with one. We decided on one before we had him, and now that he’s here, we’re staying at one. And that’s ok with us.

We do think about two big things related to a second child though: A: We have a large curiosity about the kind of child that could come from my, Strawberry’s, body and B: We’ll never have a daughter (though a second child and so on might not “fix” that) Regarding A, I still have little to no desire to be pregnant, but having gotten to know the child that came from my wife’s body, we do wonder what a child would be like that came from mine. What would the child’s personality be like? How would the child look? Completely superficially speaking (because looks really are at the booooottom of the list), it appears Nutella did not get the redheaded child she’d hoped for by using a redheaded donor (Curly’s hair definitely has reddish tones and at best, might be auburn, but probably more like a sandy brown). If I used redheaded donor sperm, I would almost certainly get a redheaded baby. Like I said, this is completely superficial and just for fun. But, we’ll never know what kind of child I would produce because I ain’t doin’ it.

Regarding “B”, we did have our hopes set on having a daughter, but we love our healthy and beautiful son no less and are grateful for him every day. There will always be that wistful longing for a girl though…but it’s just not happening.

When we first blogged about the subject of only having one, a few people read it with suspicious eyes and said “Well, you never know…” Yes, we do know. Almost 9 months after our son was born, we still don’t have a desire to have another. And we’ve seen lots of terribly cute brand new baby photos recently (you know who you are!), and while those photos do tug at our heartstrings, they did not set aflame the true desire to get going again. Sure, there are things we miss about having an itty bitty baby, but there are many things we don’t. If you’ve been following along from the start, you know the difficult times we had those first few weeks and months, and we do not care to repeat them. At this point, we feel like things are continuing to get easier and better and more exciting with our son, and it gives us relief to not have to look back anymore.

One of the reasons that some couples decide to have another child is so that their first child isn’t an only child. They want their child to have a sibling. We’ve thought about that, but have concluded that it isn’t reason enough for us. We feel like being a family of three works for us, and considering Curly’s personality thus far, works for him. Curly has always been a sensitive/demanding baby, while at the same time, a very independent one. He loves to play and explore on his own more than with other children, although he does respond well to them. It could be his age, but we feel its more due to his personality. And we feel comfortable that he’ll be ok as an only child in that regard. Of course, we’re glad he gets to interact with the other kids in daycare and will work to foster his relationships with other children in our neighborhood and our friends’ kids….we just don’t get the feeling that he needs a sibling.

That said, we are excited for all of you out there with plans for a second and wish you an easy journey. We hope you’ll still be interested in our family of three as much as we’re interested in your growing ones.

[Edited to add: Hoping not to offend anyone…for those of you trying for your first, we of course want more than anything for you to achieve your dream. For those who already have 2 or twins and hope to add another child, absolutely nothing wrong with that either. I just wrote this with the very specific thought of having a second in mind.]

For a re-visit to this subject from when our son was nearing 3 years old, please see this post: https://1invermillion.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/odd-women-out/

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20 responses to “Left behind…by choice

  1. And you have every right to make that choice. I think some do get caught up in keeping up with the jones. The point they miss is that the jones can afford all those kids and hired help if needed.Not to mention make the adjustment to a ONE income household so one mama can stay home and defray the cost of childcare for multiples.

  2. I believe, and would hope, that most people are not having more children simply because they want to keep up with the Joneses. Nor do I think that anyone with more than one child has to have a stay at home parent or nanny.

  3. Curly has and will have a great life with his two mommies. The three of you make a wonderful family. I was going to tell you that in one of the pictures I saw some red tones peeking through :] we have seen the surge in second pregnancies also. reading the part when you talked about the early days i had a flash back to me crying holding D while he was crying -hard times..sigh…

  4. One perfect little boy sound perfect for your family. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful post.

  5. While I am curious to see a Strawberry baby, I think its great you are happy with your family as is, and you are lucky to know that you are done with the early (very hard months) for good.

    We always said just two and well, we got twins! So now we’ve changed it to just two pregnancies (please… not another set of twins). As you said in your comments, multiples does not mean quit your job and say home, its a little more planning but that is all.

    Anyway, we have been thinking of a third (did I really just type “third”?) mostly because my wife really wants to experience preganancy and to have a baby that carries my genes. I’m really fine either way, initially I also wanted a girl, but now having two boys, I am hoping the third is also a boy. Of course, we’d be happy either way, just that I know what to expect with a boy and I think a third boy would fit in nicely. 😉

  6. i think it’s awesome that you guys know what you want and know what is going to work for your family! and more importantly, you are not easily moved to do otherwise because everyone else is!

    it sounds like your son has plenty of engagement through his relationships with other children. i doubt he will be a lonely child.

    at the end of the day, everyone should do what will work for them and their family.

  7. We started out wanting one and we will likely stick to that, but sometimes I do feel tempted to try again and have another. I think it is hormones more than anything. I think a family of three is great!

  8. I adore your family of three as is!

  9. I think every family dynamic is different and therefore you two are doing what works for you. I’m the oldest of four, whom my mom shot out in five years (no multiples, either). Oy. I think that it is way cool that you are considering Curly’s personality and what you think fits his needs, as a child who is already here.
    But Who knows? Maybe Curly will be in kindergarten and ask for a brother or sister and you two are feeling it.

  10. I was thinking of you guys when we were talking of this recently, as I recalled you stating you were done at one. I do envy you your certainty. You’ve clearly considered why NOT two (or more) with as much care as you considered WHY one.

  11. of course, of course I am still going to follow your story as long as you are sharing it. I think that you have a wonderful family and I’m happy that you are so clear about your decisions. As Vee said – I envy your certainty, too!

  12. twomomsandababy

    We have always planned to have two. But then I read this post and started thinking about how great it would be to just have Riley. We actually started talking about it a lot the last two days and have decided to hold off a bit before trying again. (We had been planning to try in a couple of months). Next year we are going to reassess. Thanks for posting this and getting us thinking. 🙂

  13. My wife and I aren’t sure how many children we’d like to have ultimately. Probably more than one, and probably less than four is about all we can say at this point.

    But I have to say that Ive never understood the “We don’t want our son/daughter to be an only child'” arguement. I was an only child for most of my childhood, and quite content! I now have half siblings, who are all a decade or more my junior, and yes, I love them and they bring lots of joy to my life, but growing up, I did not feel I was missing anything without them. So while I personally think our family will consist of more than one child, that particular arguement doesn’t really hold water for me.

  14. I family of any size is the perfect size as long as it is perfect for you. My mom was the middle child of seven and she never wanted more than one and so I am an only child. My parents always tried hard to make sure I had many close friends and spent lots of time with them. I think it worked well for me and I know it will work for Curly too.

    I do find it annoying sometimes that people assume that because they want more than one, you should as well. I hope you are always able to feel comfortable and not have to defend your choice to others. Besides, with a boy as dreamy as yours, who needs more?

  15. I don’t understand why people get so uptight about other families’ choices. One is just as valid as two or three. And you’ve got a great one!

    We’ve always wanted two, but sometimes I do wonder about our capacity to go through ttc again. Who knows when our first pregnancy will be and what it will bring (one? two?), but the length of ttc has definitely narrowed our goals and made us more focused on the right now. I just can’t imagine ever getting through this and then being able to start right up again. The fact that other people who started when we did are contemplating #2 blows my mind. And if I’m being totally honest here, I’m happy for families of three like yours because you’re not putting up the #2 post! 🙂

  16. I think it will be nice when we can say “we’re done, our family is complete.” Its lovely that you two are already there.

  17. Growing up, my friends without siblings liked to say that they were only children because their parents got it right the first time. You have a beautiful son, and it seems like you have a very smooth and comfortable dynamic as a family of three.
    I’m always shocked when people feel the need to make judgements on other people’s family size, as if we don’t all know what’s right our individual families.

  18. Did you ever read this perfect post by Swistle?
    http://swistle.blogspot.com/2008/04/facts-for-some-people.html

    She says it like it is! Hugs to Curly. What a cutie pie! -M

  19. Pingback: Adventures as a Family of Three | Life with Roozle

  20. futureparent_butnotsoon

    Personal choice is great and very, very important, but another thing that’s important to remember is that overpopulation is a huge burden on our planet’s resources. Fewer children is a more environmentally sustainable and socially conscious choice.

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