I started a post on egalitarianism in parenting and I hated it. Perhaps we’ll revisit that some other time.
I’m an actress. Have I mentioned that here? Well I am. Musical theatre is my thing. I have a degree in it even. As degrees go, it’s pretty useless and I’ll be paying off the loans I took to get it until Curly himself is in college, but still. Our city has a thriving professional, semi professional, and amateur theatre scene. I was part of it once. We went to shows all the time. The last show I did ended in March of 2008. I willingly chose to give up on performing for a while to become a mother. Theatre isn’t going anywhere, I told myself. The roles I can play will change, but there will always be shows to do. Motherhood, on the other hand, seemed like a limited time offer. But at the same time that a part of me is fulfilled, another part of me is empty.
I listen to showtunes in the car and I sing my heart out. I watch Glee and silly movie musicals. I stalk the F@cebook updates of my theatre friends, trying to stay in the loop of who’s playing what and where. We went to a show a few weeks ago and had the grandparents watch Curly. But more and more I feel like an outsider. Performing is so much a part of who I am. But there just isn’t room for it in my life right now. So I have to tend that ember, let it smolder, not allow it to go out or burst into flame.
I’m not ungrateful. I am lucky and I appreciate that every single day. I wouldn’t miss the time I have with Curly for the world. Perhaps, if performing were my livelihood (nice work, if you can get it!) I think it would be different. I’d have time with him outside of rehearsals and performances. But in addition to working a 9-5? It’s just not worth it to me to do shows now. But when a certain song comes on? Or when a friend posts about a great part they’ve got? Or when the kids on the TV sing and dance and come together? Whew, I miss it.
