Daily Archives: December 10, 2009

Mama’s gotta let go

I started a post on egalitarianism in parenting and I hated it. Perhaps we’ll revisit that some other time.

I’m an actress.  Have I mentioned that here?  Well I am.  Musical theatre is my thing.  I have a degree in it even.  As degrees go, it’s pretty useless and I’ll be paying off the loans I took to get it until Curly himself is in college, but still.  Our city has a thriving professional, semi professional, and amateur theatre scene.  I was part of it once.  We went to shows all the time. The last show I did ended in March of 2008.  I willingly chose to give up on performing for a while to become a mother.  Theatre isn’t going anywhere, I told myself.  The roles I can play will change, but there will always be shows to do.  Motherhood, on the other hand, seemed like a limited time offer.  But at the same time that a part of me is fulfilled, another part of me is empty.

I listen to showtunes in the car and I sing my heart out.  I watch Glee and silly movie musicals.  I stalk the F@cebook updates of my theatre friends, trying to stay in the loop of who’s playing what and where.  We went to a show a few weeks ago and had the grandparents watch Curly. But more and more I feel like an outsider.  Performing is so much a part of who I am.  But there just isn’t room for it in my life right now.  So I have to tend that ember, let it smolder, not allow it to go out or burst into flame.

I’m not ungrateful.  I am lucky and I appreciate that every single day.  I wouldn’t miss the time I have with Curly for the world.  Perhaps, if performing were my livelihood (nice work, if you can get it!) I think it would be different.  I’d have time with him outside of rehearsals and performances.  But in addition to working a 9-5?  It’s just not worth it to me to do shows now.  But when a certain song comes on?  Or when a friend posts about a great part they’ve got?  Or when the kids on the TV sing and dance and come together?  Whew, I miss it.