What a difference a year makes

One year ago today, Strawberry and I woke up early on a Sunday morning and drove into the city for the IUI that resulted in Curly.  It was mostly painless (I hate the speculum) and we stayed in the exam room for a good 20 minutes afterwards.  It was our last vial of our first choice donor.  Afterwards, we headed to a little French cafe and had cappuccinos and strawberry and nutella crepes.  We had lied a little bit to our RE to get the IUI appointment since their policy was to do them a full 24hrs after a + OPK at the earliest, and we were beginning to think that my surges were very fast and our previous attempts had been too late.  Still, we were feeling realistic about the process and had even purchased and shipped 3 vials of a new donor to our clinic for the next 3 tries.  So when someone in TTC land asks me what we did differently the cycle that worked, I tell them we bought several hundred dollars worth of sperm that we wouldn’t ever use.

Today, I woke up and peeked in on a sleeping boy.  He’d managed to get his right arm out of his new, larger swaddle and had it thrown up beside his head.  His eyes were closed and his long dark lashes were resting on his soft plump cheeks.  His cupid bow lips were slightly parted and puckered, as though he were sucking in his sleep.  I caressed his soft fuzzy head and he stirred slightly before I picked him up and nursed him.  Afterwards, as I changed him and gave him his medicine, he smiled at me sleepily.  I reswaddled him, placed him back in the crib, kissed him on the cheek and quietly stepped out to start my day.

Here I sit at work, thinking of the boy I’ve left behind, thinking of how my life has changed, thinking of the things that I miss, and thinking of the new things that I love.  This was supposed to be a post about how we were seated at the “baby table” at a wedding this weekend, but I think I’ll leave it as it is, to mark my feelings on this sunny August morning.

I know that for those of you who do not yet have your babes this will be an especially painful post, and I am sorry for causing you pain.  But I also fervently hope that your day comes soon, and that a year or so from now you will be pausing to reflect, just as I am.

14 responses to “What a difference a year makes

  1. What a thoughtful post. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

  2. We also used the “buy way too much sperm for future cycles” technique. I hope the “baby table” was friendly and that at least a few people got to eat…

  3. Next in Line

    That is a lovely post.

  4. that was such a sweet post. Thank you for sharing that with us… Miles is so lucky to have two mommies to love him to the moon and back.

  5. happy conceptionversary miles! 🙂

  6. Wow. This was a really sweet post. Miles is one lucky little guy 🙂

  7. reproducinggenius


  8. That’s what dreams are made of.

  9. Happy one year anni! We are not there just yet but your post got me reminiscing to conception day as well…what an incredible journey it is to bring a life into this world.

  10. What a great example of “I know my body better than my MD does.” I also love this story because it reminds me of how the miracle of a child starts with such simple beginnings. That’s not to discount the struggle that so many go through to conceive, but even then, it just takes one little step to ultimately start the process of a little baby growing.

  11. dariasquirrel

    your post was so touching and sweet, i’m sitting here crying at my computer! i can’t wait to feel that tenderness- at 26 weeks pregnant, i know i’m getting closer…

  12. LOVE this post — can’t wait to see my little boy sleeping just like in your story. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  13. Tear. I loved this post. We just used our third (out of three) purchased vial of our donor yesterday. Maybe I should go buy more.

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