Well, it’s complicated..

My previous post has brought up some really important issues.  Here are our feelings on a few of them:


We have an appointment with an RE that we have heard very good things about from many lesbians.  We are hoping that the same-sex parents thing won’t be an issue.  We have chosen to go to an RE straight off because we want the greatest likelihood of success as soon as possible.  The extra money it will cost us out of pocket for an IUI will be worth it to us if we get pregnant in fewer tries.  I can certainly understand that some people prefer to do it otherwise, and if we had a known donor I would absolutely try at home first.  We have 2 pairs of close friends that got pregnant at home using fresh known donor sperm.  And they did it in 1 and 2 tries respectively.  I can only hope it will be that easy for us!


There are a few major reasons that we have not pursued using a known donor.  The first is perhaps a bit selfish.  Strawberry has a rather defining physical characteristic- her red hair.  Since I am the one carrying the baby, I really, really have my heart set on having a donor that shares this trait.  Even if we get it, there’s only a 1 in 4 chance that I would have a baby that shares this trait.  But I still want to try.  Silly, I know.  What does hair color matter in the long run?

The other reason is the amount of legal work that would need to be done to assure Strawberry’s status as a 100% equal parent and for any donor to give up his parental rights.  It’s something that makes us very nervous.  We are not interested in having a donor that would be part of our parenting.  It would also be quite expensive.  With frozen swimmers, half of this process is already taken care of and all we will have to worry about is the 2nd parent adoption. 

Insurance coverage is a whole different issue.  My general coverage is quite good and with medical billing and coding there are multiple ways to code the same procedure.  For example, any blood tests that are ordered by the Dr. will most likely be covered as would any non-injectible prescription drugs.  However, the actual IUI will not be covered.  Frozen swimmers are not covered, nor is storage or shipping. At this point, I have no idea if the consultation appointment will be covered.  We have set aside some money for this process, but since we really don’t know how much each try is going to cost we don’t yet know how many tries we will be able to make.  And that uncertainty really scares me.


13 responses to “Well, it’s complicated..

  1. Hey, Nutella, you’re supposed to be the “optimistic” one around here 😉

  2. Hey good luck! We decided to go with an RE right away too, since it doubles your chances of getting pregnant. We’re starting in June too, so we’ll do this together!

  3. If it makes you feel better, I don’t know how many tries it’s going to take us to make Bambino 2 either. I worry about it some — it’s rare, but using an IUD can sometimes impair fertility.

  4. Hopefully that won’t be an issue for you, and if it is, maybe time (or medication as a last resort), will help level things out.

    Unless we kidnap some poor guy, we’ll never have a free, unlimited, ever-ready supply of swimmers as you do, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles 🙂

  5. I’ve read (I think in the Guide to Lesbian…etc) that if you have the money, doing more than one IUI in a cycle ups your odds significantly. I’m sure the statistic is somewhere on the Interwebs. It may be of some use. (And if you’d like to know what the book is actually called/don’t own it already, I can be Not Lazy and look it up/loan it to you all.)

    *crosses fingers for you*

  6. The book to which J is referring is The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth.

    We found some parts really helpful and some not so. And actually, while many people do two IUIs of frozen per cycle, past that, the odds don’t increase much, and some people argue that even that’s not much. I know many clinics only do one of fresh (though I realize that’s not an option for you).

    I forgot to ask the boards last night, but as I was blog hopping this morning I did find one blog that was talking about having to pay for a cycle and then get reimbursed, and I think the number she said was $1200, though that was not in DC, so I would expect it to be slightly higher, possibly.

    We were Absolutely Not Going To Do fresh at first for all the same reasons, but then a friend offered, and we thought long and hard about it (and talked to other people in the area who’ve done fresh) and decided to give it a try, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll go back to frozen, and go under the supervision of a doctor.

    As it is currently, I work for a law firm and as of October get free legal representation, so if/when (knock on things) I get pregnant, that makes those steps SIGNIFICANTLY easier (and cheaper). So that was our biggest hurdle out of the way right there.

    I’m rambling and all and don’t even know what I mean to say other than every situation is different, and what works for some people (emotionally and logistically, not just in the sense of it “working”) doesn’t for others, so I hope you didn’t think I was all “this is what we’re doing and it’s right!” b/c I’m so not like that.

    …and I haven’t even had any caffeine today. I’ll shut up now.

  7. LOL. Thanks, both J & N for your input, especially that helpful rambling one, N 😉

    You know, I do think if we had a friend who offered, we might be doing this differently, but as it happened, we would’ve had to go around asking and in that case, we didn’t really feel good about doing it that way. So you’re absolutely right that everyone’s situation is different and depending on what that situation is, the variety of choices one could make are going to vary greatly.

    Also, we don’t know many redheaded guys. lol.

    When researching online, we found people saying insemination could cost anywhere between $90 and $900…not very helpful. Guess we won’t know for sure what it’ll cost us until the appt. on Monday. Expect a nice, long post after that 😉

  8. I hope not too! When IUDs cause fertility problems, it’s much akin to scarring — the uterus becomes resistant to implantation.

    Either way, I wasn’t in any way meaning to belittle what you’re going through — it’s much more complicated than we will ever have to.

  9. No hard feelings on this end…I just hope it works out in the end for all of us 🙂

  10. N and J, that’s the book everyone has recommended. We do want to buy it, but I want to do it from a local small shop, not online or at a big chain. Silly me! I’m really looking forward to reading it.

    Oh, and free legal representation?? How excellent is that?

    Mel, I hope that you and DJ have no trouble getting #2 when you want. To be honest, IUD’s freak me out, but I know that choosing birth control is a diffucult decision. It’s one that I’ve never had to deal with. Sigh, why can’t everything be easy?

  11. Me too.

    To be honest, IUDs freak me out a bit too. Both in theory [ewwwww] and in possible side effects. But the alternatives were a lot worse! In a battle of IUD vs. wild mood swings vs. no birth control vs. no sex, the IUD wins for me HANDS DOWN.

    If only everything could be easy. I’ll let you know when I’ve figured out how 🙂

  12. Hey there. 🙂 Remembered to ask the boards tonight, and I have at least one answer. I can put it up here, but I’d feel more comfortable over e-mail I think? Do you have an address I can use? If not, I know mine’s in the field above when I comment, but I don’t know if you can access that…

  13. On the subject of IUDs, I just had one put in – all of my research/discussion with doctors indicated that the major problem that can impede future fertility is if you get an infection, it can get into the uterus and cause scarring and General Badness.

    …I hope that’s all. Because Steve and I do want kids someday.

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